““To love well is the task in all meaningful relationships, not just romantic bonds.””
Of the relationships we form in our lives, close friendships are some of the most rewarding. They are complex, beautiful ecosystems and offer myriads of ways to love, be loved, and show up for one another with opportunities for growth, play, and self-discovery. Grounding in the life-affirming connections we foster over time then nurtures how we show up in other relationships and for ourselves, too. Through the ebbs and flows of life, our closest friendships give us the space for mutual growth while respecting each other’s cycles and loving the many selves we each will embody over a lifetime.
When you find friends who make you feel seen to your core, there is a kindred sense of love, respect, and admiration. There are friendships that endure and shift alongside one another’s becoming, and while connections with those we love take many shapes, labels, and forms, we all long to feel seen and held in our own ways. But because the intimate care connected to finding and maintaining these truest of relationships still evades so much of mainstream conversation, just ahead of this year’s Valentine’s Day, we asked our passerby community to open up about their closest friendships. The result is a collection of origin stories that, for most, involve work, school, and parties — but also take us to more unexpected places like a college bible study room, a comedy troupe, a circus, a language camp in France, and remote corners of the internet (shoutout to LiveJournal ca. 2004, OkCupid, MySpace, and 4chan).
A number of passerby mentioned meeting new friends through people they already knew which, as Shino Takeda points out, can set you up for having “similar speeds of life.” For Shino, “being able to enjoy a big meal together is key”. By a more direct approach, Alexis Badiyi and her close friend Alysa were endearingly set up on “a blind friend date” and have been close ever since:
“Alysa’s boyfriend at the time was a family friend who my sister and I knew from middle school. Both Alysa and I had been working in textiles and unbeknownst to us, my sister and her boyfriend felt we’d be great friends. So one night, the four of us went to dinner. We arrived as strangers and left as friends. It was like love at first meet. Until this day, probably five years later, I still count her as one of my nearest and dearest family-level friends. It felt kismet. Even when they eventually broke up — he knew she and I were like sisters already. We’re all friends now, but we laugh sometimes about how her ex and my sister really set us up and were spot on. She is such a gem. I love her dearly and can’t imagine this time of my life without her. Grateful for those little universe bends that can happen sometimes. Where someone from your deep grade school past can bring someone into your life that you grow old with.”
Another universe bend brought passerby community member Roya Shariat and her friend Ariana together:
“We’ve known each other since we were toddlers, with some mutual family friends and seeing each other at mehmoonis and birthday parties. We were both in the same secular Farsi school on weekends but she was one grade ahead of me. Her dad decided to have her repeat a year so her Farsi would get stronger, and luckily that meant we started spending every Saturday together from 5th grade. Then middle school started and we were in the same school Monday through Friday! We saw each other six days a week and never got tired of it. We would speak Farsi during the school week when we wanted privacy or to gossip, and then English in Farsi school! We bonded over music — she was more into rock and I was more hip-hop, and then we completely converted each other to our favorite songs and artists. While our parents or siblings would drive us around, we’d lipsync in the backseat dramatically like we were in our own music videos. We do that now, twenty years later, in the driver and passenger seat. Ariana drives because I don’t have a license, belting out our favorites on full blast. She's the kind of friend I can call up out of the blue and scream, laugh with, or cry. We’ll always be there for each other and it’s wild to think it all started in a Farsi class.”
passerby community member Bella met one of her friends in grade school and has felt the natural ebbs and flows of long-time relationships. She tells us:
“I was a big sea animal fan (still am) and I stuck pictures of dolphins and sharks all over my desk (those old Victorian desks that you just lift up and keep your books in), and Molly was sitting next to me and just said: ‘Omg I love those pictures’. The rest is history — we wrote novels together, and experimented with fashion and clothing together, we grew apart momentarily when we were 17, but then that summer we reconnected through a traumatic incident. And now our friendship is what lives through all of this: what we had at the beginning, middle, and end — it’s not a friend anymore, it’s something more than that. It’s constantly evolving in its multitude.” With her friend Lani, finding forms of communication that weren’t in-person really brought them together: “We met two years ago, but really got closer over the pandemic. We went to the international club together so I knew her face, but when I was working at Ganni in LA she was really interested in hearing more about it and sent me a LinkedIn message. Then we met up for a pseudo networking and she has become my pea in the pod: we think the same, love the same, and cry the same! We bring up that LinkedIn message from time to time and it’s crazy now because we converse on every possible platform: Instagram, WhatsApp — our newest venture is Shared Photos. We’ve created a game where we send the other a photo from the week (usually a photo of an exterior or some nice colors) and challenge each other to recreate it in outfit form.“ When tasked with facing any disagreements that arise, Bella remarks “usually such confrontation can be daunting, but with them, it felt different. At no point did I feel our friendship would be affected, we were not scared to speak honestly because we knew the other would listen. That sense of security was so special.”
While long-distance friendships can sometimes be hard, Bella echoes the beauty that can be found in keeping in touch with someone you’ve shared so much life with:
“I met my friend Arou in my second year at UCLA. Crazy enough we happened to live right next to each other throughout the whole year but somehow never met each other… perhaps fate that it didn’t happen until later? There never is enough time with her and she makes me excited for the future. Something special about these friendships is that, for many, they play with space: from living far, to living close, to living far again or even in the same flat. But the love never changes: it becomes this subliminal entity where the moment I see them or call them it’s like nothing has changed. Our lives are intertwined but separate all at the same time. Of course there are moments we won’t talk because of hectic lives, but to an extent, it feels like they are always present.”
Eva Berezovsky elaborates on her close friendship journeys:
“My strongest friendships have each been discovered through shared interests in some sense — all of my closest friends are like-minded creatives, which confirms that, I guess. Penelope, one of my most treasured and long-standing best friends and I met while working on our high school's newspaper together. We continued gravitating towards each other's creations there and really connected over our shared visions for the paper, and her taste just really inspired me before I could even learn how wonderful she was beyond that setting. Our friendship now is much deeper than our compatible typography preferences and editorial decisions, but I cherish how that feeling of creative inspiration is still there alongside everything else. I think we've been able to stay close friends despite the distance and despite fluctuating communication frequency because we each have a lot of trust in each other: trust that we'll always be there for the other if needed and trust that our friendship can and will look a lot of different ways over the course of our lives. I think the best relationships (of any nature) are like these — built around trust, acceptance, flexibility, and flow, in addition to love, of course.”
Mélody Thomas explains that what works for her is not having “a” best friend:
“I’m lucky enough to have a lot of exceptional friendships, mostly with amazing women. Most of them I’ve met by chance — high school, college, work events, shared passions, and parties. I think what makes me fond of these people is mutual respect and space. It’s about being there for one another, letting the other make their way, accompanying, not judging or smothering. It never felt like pressure — I love them and they love me, it felt natural even despite the difference. I wanted to go through my life with them and I wanted to hear about their day-to-day.”
Kristi Garced met all of her closest friends through work or partying:
“I think what makes friendships really function well is bonding through girls nights, group chats, gossip, plus acceptance and nonjudgemental thinking, dependability, trust, understanding, and kindness. Maybe also a shared sensibility for what we want out of life? Not necessary, but nice to have.”
Lindsey Tramuta met her friend Lauren studying abroad in Paris for the semester:
“We wouldn’t have crossed paths prior to this because we attended different universities in the U.S. — she was in Boston, I was in Philadelphia — but I like to think we would have connected naturally, had we lived and studied at the same place. I was drawn to her bubbly energy, optimism, wide smile, and bouncy curls, the kind I had always envied. She loved show tunes and performing and giant bear hugs that made me feel safe. We bonded over our love (and judgment) of pop culture and France, the power of words (hers in poetry, mine in non-fiction), and our tendency toward big emotions. We understood each other then and we understand each other now, despite having never permanently lived in the same city — she’s in NY, I’m in Paris. The only unclear area is who initiated the friendship first but neither of us think those details matter so much anymore, especially after 16 years of deep friendship. What matters is how quickly we tell one another about something after it happens.”
Sharing moments of pleasure feels like one of the most important forms of care you can offer. For Lizzie Ford and her friendships, “all kinds of rituals and routines” sustain her relationships with everyday care — “these yearly, monthly, and daily rituals make me feel like we are doing life together, that we are a team.” It’s specifically when life gets busy, though, that Lindsay Herr suggests leaning on friends who “accept each other for who we are and champion the best for each other's well-being with open and honest communication and kindness above all.”
What matters is finding consistency and ways of showing the care that work for your individual dynamics to foster what Erin Allweiss perfectly encapsulates:
“I met all of my best friends through work. They come from different worlds (literally different countries), but share the same values and ethics. With these friendships, it's also a full two-way street of admiration, respect, love and support. I recently watched this stunning speech Greta Gerwig gave Margot Robbie, and it perfectly encapsulates how I feel about these women.”
passerby Instagram follower Manuela met her best friend Yovi “at a Catholic Church camp where we both had to get our community hours. I had just moved back to South Florida from Texas and felt so out of place. She was so outgoing and welcomed me into her friend group when I was still the new girl. 12 years later, we’re still here.”
More friendship stories from our passerby IG community:
Katie met her friend Oliver through mutual friends at a music festival: “Bonnaroo 2014. They were getting a bit overwhelmed by the crowd so I tried making them laugh and we immediately bonded. We hung out in a group for a while and when two other friends moved away we became best friends. We still talk almost everyday even though we live in different places now.”
Madison and Brooke first ran into each other in the newsroom at Cal State Long Beach. “We were both talking about the same band with different people and caught each other arguing against the same thing, locked eyes, and that was it. 10 years later and she is still my heart. I have a film strip from my last day living in the same town as her that is a treasured possession.”
Stella used a traditional route to find a different loving bond than the one she was originally looking for. “Ten years ago I met a boy on OkCupid and fell mildly in love with him. While it didn’t work out, we seamlessly merged friend groups and his sister has been one of my closest friends ever since.”
Andrea and her best friend bonded over fashion: “We met because we both wore the same band t-shirt — a Mars Volta “I believe in the Volta” one with cult leader Jim Jones on it.”
More evidence that fashion can forge friendships comes from Mercedes: “We were random roommates in an 8 person loft in Williamsburg, 2017. She was an intern at Vogue, I was an intern at Brother Vellies and now she works for CDG / Sky High Farms and I have my own brand. We really trauma-bonded over ridiculous fashion emergencies and sharing a bathroom with too many people.”
Since we all go through multiple life transitions that can take us anywhere, nurturing this caring trust throughout mutual evolution helps keep friends close even if distance may shift. Intentional “friends trips” to meet in a central location are an annual ritual for passerby community member Brittany — “We all have kids and are busy, but it’s important to set aside time for the people who are a part of you.” Sara and Claire Dauge-Roth both send care packages for long-distance friends. Sara says, “The are so many ways we are able to keep in touch but of course, nothing beats good, old-fashioned, in-person visits when we're able to swing them. I think one of the things that has helped my long-distance friendships thrive most is mutual flexibility, understanding, and the ability to shift when necessary. We don't always get to connect as much as we may want, but we hold a lot of space for one another. My friends have taught me so much over the years about what love can look like — they're a really big part of my heart.” When friendships feel that strong, it’s a gift to have people who make you excited for the interwoven futures you’ll share — no matter where in the world you are or how long it’s been.
Header image: Eva and Penelope
Words by Claire Dauge-Roth