Personal stories from the Passerby community on navigating divorce—what it’s really like and how to get through it. Part of our ongoing Unfiltered Guides series, offering real-life advice and insights drawn from personal experiences within the Passerby community.
At the end of 2024, we shared reflections from passersby on the previous year. Anne Rubin reflected on her own divorce and told us “so many women I know are in the process of getting a divorce.” And it does feel like there’s something in the air — with books like Splinters, Liars, and All Fours (one of passerby’s best books of 2024), divorce is on many people’s minds. In this second edition of our “unfiltered guide” series (the first, on IVF, is here), find our guide to what divorce is like and how to get through it, with insight from divorce lawyer and mediator Joy Rosenthal, Haley Mlotek, author of the forthcoming book No Fault, about the history of divorce, and the passerby community.
According to Rosenthal, every divorce involves multiple separations happening simultaneously. “First, there’s the emotional separation, which usually comes first. Then, the physical separation—someone moves out. The financial separation follows as joint bank accounts and shared finances are split. There’s also a social separation when couples stop spending time with the same people or attending each other’s family gatherings. Sometimes, there’s even a spiritual separation. And finally, there’s the legal part.”
Until relatively recently, the legal process required proof of wrongdoing for a divorce to be granted. The introduction of no-fault divorce—eliminating the need to assign blame—has become the norm in the U.S. over the past several decades. “The first no-fault divorce law in America was signed in California on January 1, 1970. From there, it spread state by state until 2010, when New York became the last state to adopt it,” explains Mlotek. “The core idea behind no-fault divorce was to remove the notion of penalty or fault from divorce.” Mlotek suggests The Future of Marriage by Jessie Bernard and Parallel Lives by Phyllis Rose for more on the history of marriage and divorce.
The legal negotiation typically centers on four key questions, Rosenthal says: “How will each person support themselves, including the possibility of alimony? How will the children be financially supported, if there are any? How will shared assets be divided? And what will the co-parenting arrangement be?” Within each of these, she notes, “there are a million details, but the basics are simple.”
The Lead-Up to the Decision to Divorce
Alyssa met her ex-husband at 19 and married him after nearly a decade together. A few years into their relationship, she was diagnosed with cancer, and he was with her through it all—something she now believes “clouded both of our judgment about our compatibility… Society tells you to find someone who will stay with you in sickness and in health.” Shortly after getting married, she realized they were incompatible, but it took her four years to find the courage to leave. That courage came through “a lot of therapy,” which she initially sought because she felt depressed. “I was drinking a lot, I was going out a lot. I thought I was acting out because I hadn't processed having cancer. In fact, I was struggling with having made a very poor decision in choosing a partner. I was taking any opportunity I had to not go home.”
Her therapist told her it’s common for young couples who experience cancer together to eventually divorce. She finally left at the start of the pandemic. “The biggest thing for me was getting an exit strategy. I didn’t trust that this person would act rationally, so I talked with my parents about how to make sure I could leave safely.”
For Arsh, who got married at 24 and divorced at 30, “the lead up to deciding to get divorced was way worse than getting divorced. The shame and the fear and the what-ifs held me back for so long until I did it — then it was like climbing a mountain and finally getting to the top. Leaving was easier than thinking about leaving. There was one moment when it just clicked for me — I can’t do this anymore. It wasn't a clear decision. I just kind of left. I felt like I escaped a past life.”
Anne, who divorced at 46 after 25 years together and 16 years of marriage, describes the process as deeply complex. “Our lives were intertwined—we shared a child, friends, and a lot of history. With that level of investment, it’s not a decision made quickly. It took several years for me to realize it was the best solution, and even after that, it took me a long time to speak the words.” What helped was seeing friends go through divorce and successfully co-parent. “They have kids who are well-adjusted,” she says, and witnessing others thrive on the other side of divorce made it feel possible for her too.
Zorana started dating her ex-husband in high school, and shortly after starting college, they decided to get married. “We were both so young,” she says. “We were also children of immigrants, and there were cultural influences telling us that you stay with your partner no matter what. So even when red flags started to appear, we stayed together.” Over time, the relationship became emotionally abusive, marked by dishonesty. “Towards the end, I think we were both at our wit’s end—we were exhausted from trying. And then one day, he just showed up and handed me divorce papers. And that was that. We had been married for about four years.”
Clémence was married for approximately five years. Her ex broke things off on her 30th birthday. “It really came out of nowhere. He framed it as that he needed time alone as he realized that he was unhappy, so we took some time apart. I thought it was a break. We had drafted a separation agreement to give us time to figure things out. In hindsight, I wish I had taken more time before signing it, we were together for 7 years, and I felt like we had to rush the uncomfortable stuff to save the relationship in some capacity. I later found out that he was having an affair… after having signed the agreement of course.
Eleni (name amended for anonymity) was married for five years, and infidelity played a significant role in her divorce. Her ex-husband cheated twice. The first time, he admitted he wasn’t sure he wanted to be with her long-term, but after some time apart, he decided to give their relationship another chance. When he later confessed to cheating again, she says, “I still felt he was the love of my life, but I had to confront the question of whether I wanted to be with someone who might keep hurting me.” She took time to think things through. “Ultimately,” she says, “I realized I wouldn’t be able to trust him again. I wish I’d been more decisive, but it was hard to accept that the person I thought I’d be with forever didn’t match the image I had of him in my mind.”
A turning point came when she started experiencing body symptoms “I couldn’t sleep, I had panic attacks, I lost a lot of weight. Then one morning, the first thought in my head was: This cannot go on. It’s beyond repair. I didn't necessarily want that intellectually, but I was pushing mentally for something that I couldn't carry bodily, and I had to stop”
Camila moved to her husband’s home country after their wedding, but within a month, she had a sinking feeling it was a mistake. “It took me a year to really accept that — to accept that this wasn’t the person I wanted to be with, this wasn’t the place I wanted to live, and this wasn’t the relationship I had imagined for myself and I was miserable.”
Like Alyssa, therapy helped her reach a decision. “My therapist started to teach me all about feminism in our sessions. It was like putting on glasses — suddenly I could see that it wasn’t normal to be sacrificing so much of myself for this person. In my culture, it’s normal to sacrifice yourself for a man, but I realized I don’t have to do that. I deserve a relationship of equals. It really transformed my life, my relationships, and the way that I see myself and my role as a woman or as a partner. But that was not the relationship I had with him. He was physically and psychologically abusive. I was always giving and giving and giving. For years, he would tell me ‘I can’t do this anymore,’ to manipulate me because my worst fear has always been that it wouldn’t work. And one day, he said that, and I said, ‘Okay. We’re getting a divorce.’ He was like, ‘No, I didn’t mean it,’ but once I decided, there was no going back.”
Ed. note: If you are experiencing domestic violence, advocates at the National Domestic Violence Hotline can help you develop a safety plan.
Different Ways to Reach A Divorce Agreement
There are several different approaches to getting a divorce. According to Rosenthal, one option is mediation, in which both parties work with a neutral mediator. “When I’m mediating, my job is to help frame what each person is saying, clarify what’s important, and guide them through any sticking points. The couple’s job is to make decisions together.” Mediation typically takes place over several sessions, and at the end, the mediator drafts the agreed-upon terms. If the mediator is not a lawyer, Rosenthal recommends having an attorney review the terms before officially filing for divorce.
Another option is collaborative law, where each person has their own representative—usually a lawyer trained in mediation—present during discussions. “This approach provides more individual support while still focusing on reaching a mutual agreement,” Rosenthal explains. “The lawyers guide the couple in making decisions, and they may bring in additional specialists, such as a divorce coach, child specialist, or financial expert, depending on the couple’s needs.”
A third route is hiring a divorce lawyer, in which case “the couple has more support and less direct contact with each other,” Rosenthal says. “The lawyers will negotiate and then come back to their clients and ask what they think. And then there’s going to court and working with litigators — that's really for when you need the most support and you really can't come to an agreement on your own, so you're asking the court to make a decision for you.”
It’s up to each person to decide what approach is right for them, though Rosenthal notes that mediation is not a good option when there’s a big power imbalance, and especially not if the relationship has involved domestic violence or the threat of violence. In mediation, she explains, “both people must be able to speak up freely and be able to participate in decision-making.” Arsh also advises that you “not rush into any decision to do something one way or the other when you’re in an emotional state.” Take time to consider your options and decide what is right for you.
All this process is, often, what separates divorce from other breakups of long-term relationships: a breakup usually doesn’t involve paperwork, mediators, or lawyers. But all this legal process is, as Rosenthal says, “only a little part” of the experience of divorce. As Mlotek notes, while the advent of no-fault divorce removed some legal hurdles, “that doesn’t make it any less emotionally intense.”
Finding Legal Representation
When choosing legal representation, Rosenthal, a lawyer and mediator, advises considering both the kind of lawyer you want and the kind of divorce you want “Do you want to get revenge and get everything you can because you've been screwed over? Do you want peace? Do you want to do it the cheapest way possible? What are your top priorities?”
She recommends checking a lawyer’s website to get a sense of their approach. “If their website says, I fight to win and I win every case, that’s one kind of lawyer. If it’s more touchy-feely and says, let’s all get along, we can work this out, that’s another. Believe what you read,” she says. Additionally, she recommends speaking with a lawyer early in the process to gauge their style and fit. If choosing a lawyer from a large firm, she advises to “make sure to ask whether you’ll be working with them or with an associate — if you’re going to be working with an associate, you might want to meet them first.”
Clémence says, “I got a terrible lawyer. But I also went with the first recommendation I got (which was a lukewarm one at that) as I didn’t want to dwell on the process. She didn’t study the case, nor did she really defend me. She just wanted it to be done as quickly as possible. I didn’t really know anyone else who was navigating a divorce and I frankly didn’t really ask for support, it’s hard to advocate for yourself when you’re in a vulnerable state. You want to make sure you have a lawyer who will do that for you.”
Alyssa found her lawyer through a recommendation from her therapist. Before filing for divorce, she asked her lawyer how to prepare. “One thing that she told me to do,” she recalls, “was make sure my belongings were safe because there was no legal recourse if he threw out my stuff when I served him papers. So, I did not file until after I got my stuff and left.” While her lawyer was expensive, “she was worth every penny. She made it really easy, and she was able to be my proxy on some really difficult conversations.”
Of course, spending a lot of money on an attorney will not be an option for everyone. If you’re looking for a lawyer and not sure where to start, consider contacting your local Legal Aid Society if you’re in need of low-cost legal assistance (for New York City residents, see here), or try contacting your local Bar Association referral service. Many lawyers offer a free consultation to help you determine if they’re a good fit for you.
Grieving the Relationship
Alyssa mourned the relationship while she was still in it. “There was a lot of sobbing—to my friends, in therapy. Therapy really helped; it gave me a safe space to feel my feelings and talk about them. But grief comes in waves. I think you just have to remember that it’s a short-term sacrifice for long-term gain. Why stay in a situation where you know you’ll be miserable forever when you can go through some pain now and come out the other side?”
In the aftermath of her divorce, Arsh “felt very liberated and free, and then I also would have these moments of grief that would come out of nowhere. It’s more about grieving a past life rather than the actual marriage itself.” She still has those moments of grief sometimes, and when she does, she says, “I usually cry, sometimes I call a friend, or I journal, and sometimes I sleep. There's no right answer for how to react. Some people throw themselves into another relationship. Some people don't date for years. Some people want to sleep with someone new right away. Some people don't feel that sad. Some people feel like they can't get out of bed. And I think all of those are fine at any given moment.”
“Divorce is a dark time for a lot of people, but it gets better — putting all the energy that you were spending on that relationship back into yourself is the key to healing.”
“It’s a process—rebuilding your self-worth, detaching from someone, finding a new identity apart from them, and mourning someone who was, ultimately, family,” Clémence reflects. “You have to come to terms with the fact that things aren’t forever, and as a romantic, that was probably my hardest lesson.”
One thing that helped was writing a letter to her ex, saying everything she hadn’t had the courage to express. “It was extremely difficult, but ultimately, it felt good. Whether you send it or not, I think writing down your feelings—all the things you ‘wish you’d said’ in the moment—can really help you process it all.”
Camila found that “people don’t understand that when you get divorced, you lose your identity. When you're married, you have all these years when you’re the partner of — especially for women. So, when a divorce happens, everything needs to be rebuilt again. It's a grieving process: it's the death of a dream, it's the death of your future and what could have been. I think that is the most difficult thing to battle with. I’d go to therapy and try to list reasons why the relationship was bad for me. I had to try, for the first time, to think about myself and what is good for me.”
After her ex-husband told her he wanted a divorce, Zorana “went into the most severe depression that I've ever been in in my life.” She had to grieve the future she’d imagined — the “home and children that we’re never going to have. It was tough. I went through this period of intense healing where I went to therapy, and I went to my doctors and got treatment for my mental health. I also did a lot of journaling and reflecting, and I read a lot of empowering literature.” She suggests Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood, This Is How You Heal and The Mountain Is You by Brianna West, The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown, and What Happened to You? by Bruce Perry and Oprah Winfrey.
Shifts in Identity and Stability Post-Divorce
Once she left, Alyssa moved in with her parents for four months, which enabled her to prepare herself to get her own apartment. “I was lucky that I was making a good salary at the time, and I could very easily live on my own,” she says. “That wasn't the case when we got married. I think that was also something that gave me the courage to make that decision at that moment.”
Anne had two close friends who had gotten divorced before her. “They modeled the way for me,” she says, “and showed me that it's possible to do divorce on your own terms, and that it's possible to find love again. I got to see them both reinvent themselves in their 40s, and it inspired me to think about what life could look like if designed with middle-aged intention.” For those without divorced friends and family to provide perspective, inspiration, or commiseration, there are Reddit forums like r/Divorce where you can hear from others who’ve been through it. Anne also says, “I'm also lucky that my co-parent is a great human who cares about me whether I'm married to him or not. We are almost eight months in, and we finally are in a place where we can joke about online dating! I never thought I would be here!”
When her relationship ended, Eleni “started dating furiously, which is really unlike me. But when there are infidelities involved in a divorce, I think dating can be very empowering for women. At least in the short term, it helped me feel more confident. I also started rearranging my priorities in my head and my life. Stepping out of such a big relationship really clarified what's important for me in life and what I really want.” Similarly, Zorana found going on a lot of first dates helpful. “It showed me there's so many different people out there, and not every person I date is going to be emotionally abusive,” she says. What she looks for on a first date now is different than it used to be, thanks to her experience getting divorced. Now, “it’s not just about whether someone is cute. I think about the things I would want in a long-term partner — how do they problem-solve? What’s their family dynamic like? And if I feel I’m not being treated with respect, it’s an automatic no for me.”
“My mom always says, ‘life will always give you the answers.’ For a long time, I didn’t understand that, but now I think it’s true because I was supposed to have a big wedding. And then a month before, COVID started, so we couldn’t have the wedding. The money that was intended for the wedding was the money that saved me when I got divorced and allowed me to jump from that chapter of my life to a new chapter in New York as a student.”
Clémence made a conscious effort to refocus on herself—something that didn’t come naturally “I was never into working out, but I got a personal trainer for the first time, Alex Stamenković (who I feel has trained all of New York City at this point). He was immensely supportive in the early days of the separation and helped build my confidence back. This might sound weird, but I also began documenting myself more — taking videos and selfies not just as a record, but as a way to shift my own gaze, to eroticize how I saw myself. I would see friends, read a lot, listen to music, and watch a lot of movies — I read Women Who Run with Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estés, The Art of Loving by Eric Fromm, The Feminine Fix-it Handbook by Kay B. Ward, a lot of Karen Horney, Shulamith Firestone, and I watched Bergman’s Scenes From a Marriage. I even made a heartbreak playlist. I also signed up for a philosophy course at Brooklyn Institute for Social Research on the philosophy and politics of love. [ed. note: BISR is a passerby partner — passerby club members get 25% off classes. Join the club here]. It was cool to process my divorce from a philosophical angle: what is love? And to think about and be critical of how society defines it and how our desires are very influenced by that.”
Camila says, “I had to close every door physically and symbolically.” As part of that process, she decided to hook up with a man she met on Tinder a week after deciding to divorce. “I knew if I took things that far, there was no way back for us,” she says. After that, she moved to New York, where she lived with her sister and her roommate. Her friends “helped me learn about investments, savings, retirement, and grow into financial independence because it was the first time that I had to support myself.”
Life After Divorce
Alyssa says, “there’s nothing lonelier than being in a bad or toxic relationship. I have been single since my divorce, so I've been single for four and a half years, but there were only maybe three weeks total where I felt lonely. I know now what it's like to choose the wrong partner and I would rather be single for the rest of my life than ever be in a relationship that’s going to end in divorce again. I learned that a lot of how you move through the world is a reaction to the people you choose to let into your life. I was anxious, distrustful, and meek and that was just because of the situation I was living in. Now I feel light despite a precarious employment situation and I am happy all the time.”
For Arsh, “my life flourished after my divorce, whether it was friendships or career or love. I had a whole new sense of self, and a new sense of how much bigger life can be than I’d thought from a very young age. I gave into feelings more — if something made me feel good, I did it. If it made me feel bad, I avoided it. I learned that I'm way more resilient and more capable than I thought. It has taught me that, as corny as it may sound, you really only have to live with yourself. Life moves on; this feeling of life or death, that you can’t move on without someone, is not real. I do believe in love and romance and in marriage itself, but my perception has shifted, from being completely dependent on the idea to wanting to be in a healthy marriage.”
Zorana realized that, “all these years I’d been putting myself on the back burner — I was working, I was in school, I was a caretaker for my partner while he dealt with health issues.” After her divorce, she started putting herself first and immersed herself in her work. “My therapist also helped me shift my mindset, at the time she was very much like, ‘you have to take some responsibility for this situation,’ and that helped because it made me realize that I am in control of my own life, and I get to decide what future me will deal with and what future me doesn't want to put up with.”
Clémence says, “I’m slowly but surely opening up and beginning to trust again, but I’ve learned to put myself first. I’m in a very healthy relationship now, and from the start, I was clear about how I wanted to be treated and was quite strict in not settling for anything less.”
“I really feel like for a woman, divorce is a blessing in disguise,” Camila says. “It's extremely painful, but now, I feel so thankful to the Camila of the past and so blessed that I got divorced. In the process, you learn so much about yourself. You grow up so much, you have so many adventures, you feel so empowered. It’s a chance to meet yourself — it doesn't matter what happens ever again, I know now that I always have myself. I have had partners since my divorce, and breakups, and of course, it's always sad, but my life doesn't shake anymore like it did with the divorce because I feel so grounded in myself. People say that hard situations make hard people. I think divorce makes amazing women.”
Resources & Recs
Articles: Mediate.com, General Overview of Divorce from Women’s Law, Divorce Lawyer Lena, 7 Ways to Financially Prepare for Divorce from Nerd Wallet
Books: The Divorce Colony by April White, Divorce, American Style by Suzanne Kahn, Aftermath by Rachel Cusk, You Could Make This Place Beautiful by Maggie Smith, The Cost of Living by Deborah Levy
Podcast: The Divorce Survival Guide Podcast and The Divorce Doctor Podcast
Films: Kramer vs. Kramer, The Squid and the Whale, Enough Said, Better Things, Blue Valentine, Journey to Italy, The Past, Things to Come, Waiting to Exhale, How Stella Got Her Groove Back
We also asked Samantha Hill, who taught the class on the philosophy of love that Clémence took at the Brooklyn Institute for Social Reasearch, for reading suggestions to contextualize divorce and heal your heart. Her recommendations are on our Substack for passerby club members.
Header image from Waiting to Exhale by Forest Whitaker
Words by Meghan Racklin